…………degenerate b*stards! May Yo Momma NOT BE a ho-ho-ho!
So, in keeping with the Holiday Spirit, I thought I’d go dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh, just to get in the Xmas mood.
I know what you’re thinking. Hawk, I thought you said you were Jewish. No, I said I was as funny as a person. See the difference? On Sundays, I’m Jewish, and on Saturdays, I’m a gentile. So, I can get out of church either way….
So, as a Hertz Gold Club Member, so I get a discount rate.
Hawk: “I’d like a sleigh, please. Once horse, open”
Hertz Rental: Not the hardtop?
H: Open, please.
HR: You want reindeer? Slightly higher for ones that can fly.
I’m not gonna go into the full conversation about flying reindeer. Turns out, you have to be FAA-certified (like drones, which have a limit of 400-ft, and cannot be flown near airports), but for reindeer, you have to be able to fly over drones, and underneath commercial jet aviation, and there’s no cabin pressure, so above 12,000 feet gets a little tricky. Then, Hertz couldn’t come up with a reindeer to horsepower rating. I mean, with a horse, you know how much horsepower you’re getting, amiright? These bozos couldn’t do that, so I said f it….
Back to the counter…
HR: So, just the one horse, correct?
H: Correct.
HR: You want the horse collar and rigging?
H: No sh*t! You’re already sticking it to me with the horse, you realize that, right? Do I have to pay for the engine when I rent a car?
HR: Well, we also rent to the farming community, so……
H: Do I look like a f*cking farmer to you?
HR: No, sir. I’m just saying…
H: Just get me the damn rigging.
HR: Yes, sir.
So, I got myself all set up. I thought I almost recognized the horse. I think I bet on him at a track at Santa Anita, back when I lived in California. Turns out, Christmas Eve in Phoenix, there isn’t much snow on the ground. Hence the phrase, Plus, about every three blocks, a cop pulls me over for “failing to signal”, which ticked me off no end because I specifically said “make sure it had blinkers” and the idiots put them on the horse! Stupid!
So, I made it back to Hertz to drop off the sleigh…and of course, the story doesn’t end there….
HR: Not much mileage for free mileage.
H: Well, my bad. I guess the snow wasn’t sticking when it’s nearly 70. Can I go now?
HR: Well, sir, there’s just one more thing….
H: WHAT!?
HR: You did leave the horse on Full, correct?
I just told him, have a Merry F’in Christmas……………
And to all, a Good Night.
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