Asking for acceptance

"Woke up to the sound of pouring rain.  The wind would whisper and I'd think of you." 

I am like the homeless guy in this video who keeps thinking back in time except I walk around my house, too much of a shut-in to walk around outside like the man in the video.

I remember you

I've been taking opiates so long and my testosterone is so low because of it I think I may be turning slightly gay. But maybe not because Im really still very horny at times for hot women.

The rain I heard this morning turned out to be a burst tube connected to the refrigerator.  In a rage that my best dream of the month had been interrupted I pulled the refrigerator out too quick and scratched the floor.  Water was all over the hardwood floor. 

No way to turn off the water except outside and I dont have the tool that makes it easy so I got a wrench and a screwdriver and went outside in the freezing cold.  The dam thing was stuck so I screamed and hollered as I tried desperately to turn the water to the house OFF.  5 minutes later I had it half way.  10 minutes later it was off.  A 9 year old girl would have had it off in 7 minutes.  I got up filthy dirty from digging in the wet dirt with my hands looking for the shutoff, muddy, and furious.  My neighbors must have been leaving for work or heard me screaming because they were outside staring at me like they had seen a ghost.  I'm sure they laughed for hours today about watching me go through that. 

I now have a full blown cold or the flu at this point in my life I cant tell the difference i feel like i have the flu all day every day. 

Wife went to work and I collapsed on the couch and remembered my earlier years.  The girls I kissed and touched.  How good it felt to be with them.  No more.  Its me and the couch now. 

Proto,

shoot the dirt till it's loose and turns your shoes from glued to just manuevered the earth.........

uzi boomin the turf , commuting the term , " loser " to two thirds from what you do to a scourge.........

rubik's cube you and worse , a lunatic's verse , clue into the music sutures your nerves..........

this is just a rudimentary musing use it and learn.............

im in for some dirt shooting...proto whats going on?

I find that time flies by every day so much so that hours seem like seconds and days seem like hours.  I need to shoot the dirt more dopalicious I agree with you.  So lets shoot the dirt.  Any man worth his salt will shoot the dirt always remember that. 

The richest man in the world Carlos Slim is on TV, he is worth about 54 billion.  Bill Gates does not have as much money as Carlos Slim from Mexico. 

It showed some pictures of his daughters and I wonder why I was not lucky enough to meet one of his beautiful daughters and marry her.

What a life Carlos Slim leads.  What a joyful life. 

I watched Lebron destroy the Cavs last night and I wonder what it must be like to be a man like him.  To have people respect you.  To have friends and money. 

Sometimes it feels like happiness is just too far away to reach.  Like I am a done deal waiting to pass away with a very small funeral of about 4 or 5 people.  Every day I dread certain things that happen daily.  I crave drugs every day all day.  I make myself wait until night time. 

I feel like I have been accepted here partially but some have not accepted me.  I will try harder I guess. 

As the night progresses and another day is upon us, I dream a little dream of happiness, of a life I was supposed to live.  A life I may be living in a parallel universe.  In this parallel universe I am a happy man, able to work, making good money with a very special wife who I am in love with.  We make each other feel good instead of having bitterness towards each other.  The life I was supposed to live.  The life that is not to be.  A life I think about daily.

Everybody Wants To Rule the World

I don't think anybody respects Lebron anymore.

Proto,

i once heard that many severely depressed individuals are actually just wicked self-absorbed. seeing you badmouth your wife and regret your life makes me agree with them. have you stopped to think about the people you affect by being a miserable mope all the time?

RickeM, Lebron makes what 40 million a year?  He is a 2 time MVP of the NBA.  2 in a row I think.  Tens of millions of kids look up to him and he is the best player in the NBA.  Its going to take a little time for him to get use to the Heat and for their team to mesh, but when they do they are going to win many championships, probably starting this year. 

I dont like Lebron but I do envy him.  His announcement was a slap in the face to people who love him in Ohio.  If it was me who was the best player in the NBA and had that same decision to make I would have stayed in Cleveland because it was the right thing to do.  But I will never have a decision like that to make.

I'm so dam depressed ALSNOW I dont ever feel like getting in the shower.  I dont have the energy to get in the dam shower man.  I just want out of this life but I love my daughter and she loves me because my wife wont play with her.  I dont have the energy but I force myself to play with her.  I get exhausted from playing inside, playing Barbie.  The medicine I take causes most of this but I cant get off. 

ProtoStar is clearly not perfect, but he's honest and sincere.  I think he's alright.

platypus do you know what it feels like to not have the energy to take a shower, ever?  Do you know what it feels like to have flu like symptoms 24 hours a day 365 days a year?

Trust me man I would have offed myself a long time ago if not for what it would do to people in my family.  I am a very empathetic person, I feel other peoples pain. 

I have no control over being miserable.  I cant will myself out of this.

If you want to try an expirement, you can start taking hard drugs and getting drunk daily.  Do that for 17 or 18 years and come to let us know how you are mentally and physically.  At the end of this time period you have to be addicted to benzos and opiates, having taken them daily for at least 4 years.  Make sure you smoke crack for 5 years during this time period, do ICE for about 2 years on top of the crack, all the time while drunk with a blood alcohol level that could kill you dead at any time by itself.  Throw in daily weed smoking and periodic MDMA use, along with LSD and mushrooms.  Make sure you go through withdrawal of all these drugs numerous times to the point that you have seizures and have to be hospitalized for overdoses. 

Come back in 18 years and tell me how YOU feel.

Well, Kobe Bryant is the best player in the NBA.

Platypus I didnt even mention the gambling losses.  Add to the drug use losing everything you have at least 5 times due to gambling, your favorite past time.

I know people who kill themselves because of gambling alone man.  Denver WR Mckinley killed himself simply because of gambling at a much younger age.  It will drive you crazy by itself.  Throw in long term hardcore drug use and you will not feel like you have much to live for.

You won't be sick 24/7 if you don't keep going back to the benzo's and opiates.  It's temporary, you're horribly depressed so do something about it, at least try something.  Legwand told you about how the niacin worked for him, try it.

You come on covers to 'shoot the dirt' -- but you only post in your own thread full of misery, you have no interest in anything else but your own situation.

You want advice/motivation but you have only responded to about 3 posts in this whole thread.

I hear what platypus is saying I know people who are depressed lose energy, but maybe your hiding behind your own misery a little bit because it's easier than putting in a little bit of work to change things.  You just need a new perspective.

i just came here to shoot the dirt with you proto.

Figured now would be a good time for us to shot the dirt.

Stopped in your thread to shoot the drit with you. Mighht as well shoot the dirt a bit man.Really isnt a whole lot else to do right now then shoot the dirt with you.

Well, it was fun shooting the dirt with you hope this helps

Is this the most depressing thread ever???

guys listen I have not been this full of life since 1 in a million Millsap took it away from me.  My wife gave me 200 dollars to bet with.  Who do you guys like in the Auburn game or maybe the total?  I need a win here I trust you guys.

spitfire I hear you man but since I have been on those drugs for 5 years and they are physically addictive, doctors and people on message boards have told me I have to move down so slow to prevent getting very sick and possibly even dying from it.  More people die from benzo withdrawal than all other drugs (legal and not legal) combined.  I once had a full blown seizure from benzo withdrawal when i tried to stop.  Had to stay a week in the hospital man it took me a while to remember anything.  Wife said I quit breathing for 2 minutes and she was about to start CPR when I started back.  True story.

Iwin bets stop by again to shoot the dirt besides gambling its my favorite thing to do.  Besides listening to music.  Any man worth his salt will always shoot the dirt Iwin.

Ok dammit wife only gave me 150 because she wants Christmas cards.  Still looking to do something with it.  Maybe under 62.  Nerves in this game.

spitfire you are accusing me of not responding to people so I read the thread.  I have responded to many people.  In a lot of threads I shoot the dirt with 3 different people who posted before me.  Read it dawg. 

spitfire, I responded to legwand.  Read it, I told him I was taking Niacin which is vitamin B3.  I take it daily and have been for years.

Lets go under 62! 

spitfire thanks for helping me here man your posting helps me a lot and I can tell you are concerned.  I appreciate it.  Keep coming by please.  I'm glad I can call you a friend.  I dont have many.  Actually I don't have any other than you and a couple others here at covers.

blueberrys and makesumcake are friends of mine here.  You too spitfire.

Did you put the under bet in?  SC is going to try to establish the run with Lattimore and control the clock, keeping Newton and the Auburn offense of the field.  It's a decent play.  Auburn isn't going to take a lot of chances here as all they have to do is win and they are in the championship game.  I would expect a lot of running.  Good luck if under 62 is your play.  I like it.

Yes Henry.  u62.  I also accepted your friend request.  I have a lot of friends who were waiting for my to accept!  I didnt know it! 

I believe it, benzos are horribly addictive, and opiates are right there behind them because they make you feel better than any other pill.  The combination has to be horrible.

But I'd imagine there has to be something to help you get off of them, have you talked to your doc about getting off of at least one of them?  They have to make something like suboxin but for people who are trying to kick benzo's + opiates.

This might sound a little ridiculous to you, but maybe just stepping down to codeine or something with a little puff of weed whenever you start 'fiending' for an oxy.

You're too much of a junkie for us to really be friends, because tomorrow you'll just be moping in your own misery complaining about your life again, and that aint cool brotha If you hit this under 62 and chase, you will lose eventually, and you will probably want to kill yourself because you lost your wife's money when you had a chance to do something awesome.

If you win, you can keep betting, but not $150... try $30, or even $50.  Making a profit can put a little jump in your step, and you need that proto, don't blow it if you win.  Maybe if you are feeling good after a win you can use that energy it gives you to do something that will really help your situation.

Brainstorm, proto... come up with something that you can do for yourself.  You need to start moving forward instead of going back, even if you are just aking baby steps forward.  I'm telling you, just take one good step in the right direction for yourself and your family every day and you will feel better.  Your still going to be doing drugs, and it sounds like you'll still probably think about that 10 problems you have instead of the positive's, but you can get over that with time, trust me.  Try putting your problems on paper, you'll probably see that there are only a few major problems and the rest aren't that bad.  Knock them out one a time (the one's that you have control over - don't burden yourself by thinking about your drug addictions)... when 10 problems become 9, and 9 becomes 8, and so on, you will feel a lot better.  And with each step youll get more energy and be able to do more for yourself.

The same way your life slowly went to shit, it can slowly get better the same way.  You just need  to get the snowball rolling.  Baby steps, proto.