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As a kid watching professional wrestling, there were only a handful of PPV events that defined the landscape in the WWF – now WWE.
You had, of course, Wrestlemania, Summer Slam, Royal Rumble, and my favorite, Survivor Series.
While all the other events were loaded with single and tag-team matches (and a 30-man battle royal at the Royal Rumble), Survivor Series was a unique card made up of team matches, pitting the best babyfaces (good guys) versus the best heels (bad guys).
The WWE has kept this format rolling and will uncork another Survivor Series this Sunday. I don’t follow wrestling that closely anymore, and don’t know who half the guys are, but I still enjoy the team vs. team format.
But what if other sports (real sports) started their own Survivor Series showdown, pitting the best good guys against the best bad guys? Here’s how it would shake down for each league:
NFL
Aaron Rodgers, Larry Fitzgerald, Adrian Peterson, Jason Witten, Jared Allen
VS.
Philip Rivers, DeSean Jackson, Chris Johnson, Vernon Davis, Ndamukong Suh
Team Rivers would take an early lead, knocking out Witten, Allen and Peterson, thanks to some underhanded tactics from Suh. But, Rodgers needs just a single receiver, and he and Fitzgerald clean house, before Rivers grabs a handful of trunks and gets Fitz for the 1-2-3.
That leaves just Rodgers and Rivers, with the Packers QB doing the classic Hogan finger point - “You!” - and beatdown. Rodgers celebrates the victory with the “Discount Double Check” on the top turnbuckle.
NBA
Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard, Dirk Nowitzki, Kobe Bryant
VS.
LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Amare Stoudemire, Russell Westbrook
Ring announcer Howard Finkle calls for Team Durant first, but no one comes through the curtain. He decides to try calling for Team LeBron, but again no movement. After waiting for five minutes the match is canceled.
NHL
Sidney Crosby, Pavel Datsyuk, Martin St. Louis, Shea Weber, Tim Thomas
VS.
Alex Ovechkin, Ilya Kovalchk, Daniel Sedin, Zdeno Chara, Roberto Luongo
Before the teams can make their way to the ring, Crosby is jumped by Team Ovie backstage, leaving the already concussion-prone star out of action for the Survivor Series match. Team sans-Crosby comes to the ring a man short and St. Louis grabs the mic, announcing Sid’s replacement – Steve Stamkos.
Team Ovie rushes out to the ring to protest, but the bell rings signaling the start of the match. Chara clears out almost all of the Team Stamkos roster by throwing them into the ring posts, leaving just Tim Thomas against all five Team Ovie members.
The bearded, out-of-shape netminder fights back, clocking Sedin with his goalie mask, sending the Swede reeling into the ref, dropping both to the canvas.
As the goalie goes for the cover, Henrik Sedin runs in and backhands Thomas with a stick, drags his brother out of the ring and covers Thomas. The ref wakes up and, not being able to tell the difference between the Sedins, counts 1-2-3.
MLB
Roy Halladay, Jose Bautista, Jose Reyes, Joe Mauer, Albert Pujols
VS.
Josh Beckett, Prince Fielder, Alex Rodriguez, Miguel Cabrera, A.J. Pierzynski
The match opens with some sick chain wrestling between Doc and Beckett, before Halladay sinks in an armbar on the right hander, forcing him to tap out. Cabrera, drunk as a skunk, attacks Halladay from behind. He tags in Fielder, who lands a bonsai drop ala Yokozuna, crushing the Doc’s ribs and scoring the easy pin fall.
The two sides go toe-to-toe for five hours, however, concessions stop selling beer after the second hour, leaving many of the fans disinterested. Pierzynski finally eliminates Reyes with pine tar to the eye, blinding the shortstop. Bautista jumps in and takes three huge swings at the cocky catcher, landing on the third and sending Pierzynski flying off the Booster Juice sign in the upper deck.
With Pujols taking a beating and struggling to stay on his feet, A-Rod pleads for the hot tag from Fielder. SLAP! Rodriguez jumps in the ring, looking like he’s going to rip someone’s head off. He runs up to Pujols, swings and misses on a big clothes line – only to find Mauer waiting with a bottle of Head & Shoulders to the face.
As Mauer, Bautista and Pujols turn to take on Fielder and Cabrera, they find the Tigers slugger passed out with a bottle of whiskey in his glove and Fielder is gasping for breath like a boated bass. The ref counts both men out.
Those are mine. Who are your Survivor Series teams?
You had, of course, Wrestlemania, Summer Slam, Royal Rumble, and my favorite, Survivor Series.
While all the other events were loaded with single and tag-team matches (and a 30-man battle royal at the Royal Rumble), Survivor Series was a unique card made up of team matches, pitting the best babyfaces (good guys) versus the best heels (bad guys).
The WWE has kept this format rolling and will uncork another Survivor Series this Sunday. I don’t follow wrestling that closely anymore, and don’t know who half the guys are, but I still enjoy the team vs. team format.
But what if other sports (real sports) started their own Survivor Series showdown, pitting the best good guys against the best bad guys? Here’s how it would shake down for each league:
NFL
Aaron Rodgers, Larry Fitzgerald, Adrian Peterson, Jason Witten, Jared Allen
VS.
Philip Rivers, DeSean Jackson, Chris Johnson, Vernon Davis, Ndamukong Suh
Team Rivers would take an early lead, knocking out Witten, Allen and Peterson, thanks to some underhanded tactics from Suh. But, Rodgers needs just a single receiver, and he and Fitzgerald clean house, before Rivers grabs a handful of trunks and gets Fitz for the 1-2-3.
That leaves just Rodgers and Rivers, with the Packers QB doing the classic Hogan finger point - “You!” - and beatdown. Rodgers celebrates the victory with the “Discount Double Check” on the top turnbuckle.
NBA
Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard, Dirk Nowitzki, Kobe Bryant
VS.
LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Amare Stoudemire, Russell Westbrook
Ring announcer Howard Finkle calls for Team Durant first, but no one comes through the curtain. He decides to try calling for Team LeBron, but again no movement. After waiting for five minutes the match is canceled.
NHL
Sidney Crosby, Pavel Datsyuk, Martin St. Louis, Shea Weber, Tim Thomas
VS.
Alex Ovechkin, Ilya Kovalchk, Daniel Sedin, Zdeno Chara, Roberto Luongo
Before the teams can make their way to the ring, Crosby is jumped by Team Ovie backstage, leaving the already concussion-prone star out of action for the Survivor Series match. Team sans-Crosby comes to the ring a man short and St. Louis grabs the mic, announcing Sid’s replacement – Steve Stamkos.
Team Ovie rushes out to the ring to protest, but the bell rings signaling the start of the match. Chara clears out almost all of the Team Stamkos roster by throwing them into the ring posts, leaving just Tim Thomas against all five Team Ovie members.
The bearded, out-of-shape netminder fights back, clocking Sedin with his goalie mask, sending the Swede reeling into the ref, dropping both to the canvas.
As the goalie goes for the cover, Henrik Sedin runs in and backhands Thomas with a stick, drags his brother out of the ring and covers Thomas. The ref wakes up and, not being able to tell the difference between the Sedins, counts 1-2-3.
MLB
Roy Halladay, Jose Bautista, Jose Reyes, Joe Mauer, Albert Pujols
VS.
Josh Beckett, Prince Fielder, Alex Rodriguez, Miguel Cabrera, A.J. Pierzynski
The match opens with some sick chain wrestling between Doc and Beckett, before Halladay sinks in an armbar on the right hander, forcing him to tap out. Cabrera, drunk as a skunk, attacks Halladay from behind. He tags in Fielder, who lands a bonsai drop ala Yokozuna, crushing the Doc’s ribs and scoring the easy pin fall.
The two sides go toe-to-toe for five hours, however, concessions stop selling beer after the second hour, leaving many of the fans disinterested. Pierzynski finally eliminates Reyes with pine tar to the eye, blinding the shortstop. Bautista jumps in and takes three huge swings at the cocky catcher, landing on the third and sending Pierzynski flying off the Booster Juice sign in the upper deck.
With Pujols taking a beating and struggling to stay on his feet, A-Rod pleads for the hot tag from Fielder. SLAP! Rodriguez jumps in the ring, looking like he’s going to rip someone’s head off. He runs up to Pujols, swings and misses on a big clothes line – only to find Mauer waiting with a bottle of Head & Shoulders to the face.
As Mauer, Bautista and Pujols turn to take on Fielder and Cabrera, they find the Tigers slugger passed out with a bottle of whiskey in his glove and Fielder is gasping for breath like a boated bass. The ref counts both men out.
Those are mine. Who are your Survivor Series teams?
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