Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing
an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the
urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen
do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop
log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can
help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the
Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper
can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an
ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE
TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious
if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK person
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale
signs of a CRACK person include pubes, piss stains and streaks. Avoid a CRACK
person at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular
bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK person can become a SAFE HAVEN.
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