TENNESSEE @ LSU: Like the Samuri disembowling himself with honor,I must make one more bet: All of it

2017 Record: A beyond shameful 3-10

$1,940.

That is all that is left.

A relentless assault of bombings to my bankroll like Scud Missiles on Baghhad have annihilated my roll. Iraqis literally lined up in chain gangs to be hauled off as POW’s when Bush Senior lead that war. So have chunks of money in my bankroll these past several months. Who were the culprits?

Scud Missle #1 – Donald over Hillary

Ten parlays over 4 MONTHS of betting. 19 winning bets all completed. ALL of them, tied into Hillary at every price possible. This doesn’t even go into the fact that I checked Hillary’s odds EVERY DAY several times a day to get the best price. She never even remotely approached + money. All that time and energy checking lines, making bets, parlaying for massive payouts, comes down to me, in a basement, on my hands and knees, in the corner, PRAYING that Hillary does not somehow crack the + money barrier. I remember that moment well. The moment it turned on me. The moment I not only had to accept all the parlays were toast, but that this man would actually run the country. When I saw Hillary -125 go to Hillary +105, I knew I was dead.

I was watching the Young Turks that night online as they commentated live. They were literally LAUGHING, bellowing, beside themselves at the prospect Trump could win. I chuckled along with them, knowing a forthcoming celebration was inevitable. And slowly, you saw the perspiration form across the top of the forehead of Cenk Uyger, the host. The laughter was no more. The dirty, filthy rats went behind the curtain and pulled that lever for Trump like it was one of those idiotic giant slot machines on Fremont Street. Filthy lying rats in the shadows, duping pollsters and arranging for my betting demise.

Result: Donald turns the country Red. Incalculable parlay losses.

Scud Missle #2 – The Bills team total over 8.

A 6-7 record with 3 to play against the Browns Jets and Dolphins after blowing a double digit lead against the Raiders late in the second half.

And instead of Tyrod Taylor, Lesean McCoy and my beloved Rex Ryan (who has printed money for me), who would die before he lost his last game to the Jets, I get EJ Manuel, Mike Gillislee and a replacement head coach who you couldn’t differentiate from the guy who was in the commercial for Dunkin Donuts in the “Time to make the Donuts” era.

Down in flames with an unconscionable 30-10 loss to the disgraceful Jets. You could have put Rex’s head in a jar like Mother Brain from Metroid and he would have coached that team to victory. This loss shook me hard because there was zero chance I ever thought the Bills owners would jettison Rex before the end of the season, never mind right before the Jets game.

Result: Bills end the year 7-9

Scud Missile #3 – Wyoming over San Diego State -10

I watched helplessly drunkard Wyoming fans stir such a frenzy in a stadium that players eyes turned to saucers. And the weather: whipping spinning winds slamming my team in the face like dominatrix slaps. Not only a San Diego State loss ATS, but an outright lose at the buzzer. My Destroyer…now swimming with the fishes.

Result: Wyoming wins 34-33 (even blowing up my parlayed ML bet as SDS went for 2 after a Hail Mary completion and failed).

Scud Missile #4 – Missouri over Arkansas -8

Drew Lock. A kid that couldn’t throw a pass better than Dr. Drew turns into Joe Namath in the second half. After a seemingly inconsequential FG miss to go up 27-7 at HT, the comeback was on. Arkansas would not score again. Up until that point Missouri’s wins were against Delaware State ( a team that is WORSE in its respective sport than the CBB team that beat St. John’s), Eastern Michigan and a lifeless Vanderbilt offense. I laid another 8 only to get beat outright 28-24 as Missouri won without their starting running back, the backbone of their team.

Result: 28-24 Missouri

Scud Missile #5 – Giants over Washington -7.5

You see now why I don’t take good teams laying a lot of points. I do not want to elaborate on this one. This was a bad team laying a lot of points. The single worst part about this bet was watching a defense that had nothing to play for, play an all-world game (As the starters were being taken out to boot) only to get shredded the next week in Green Bay, even giving up a unconscionable Hail Mary at the end of the first half.

Result – Giants win 13-10.

The losses have come fast and furious.

I wish this was only half my roll (from my roll’s peak) so I could attempt to make it whole with this bet. But I flew past that point in half-roll of my high point like Thelma and Louise over a cliff. That point is long gone. But $1,940 is something to work with. Still, to me, it is not a respectable number. It is a number, just not one that I can say I’ve achieved something with. And because of that, it is time to commit the mortal sin of bankroll management. But I have a reason for that.

I don’t care if you don’t believe me. It is true. I would not make this up for entertainment.

I went to a psychic recently. The reasons are not for me to elaborate here so I’ll just state the fact that I went.

The psychic was very late in his years (but still looked young in his own right). This is a man who could have lived 1,000 years ago and fit right into his surroundings. He wore a gold and blue robe. I could tell this was a good man. He liked me. He wanted to help me. I felt assured of this.

He told me intimate details in my life only my family knew. These things could not be accessed through the web. They are not out there. He told them to me. Whatever you believe is your right. I do believe people have psychic abilities. And this man overwhelmed me with the things he said.

And then he said something I will never forget. And I feared something like this would happen.

Midway through the reading (yes, they hold your palm, they look in your eyes, they connect)…

In a very deep voice he said:

“You gamble.”….He wasn’t asking me. He knew. He knew I gambled.

He was smiling. He was laughing a bit as he looked at my hand again.

I answered “Why, yes, I do”…obviously proud of the fact. I was on quite a roll at the time.

Then he looks up and meets me eye to eye and says the following:

“You……lose. You no do this.”

I said to him, “No, I don’t lose. I do well. I like gambling (and to be honest I consider it a game of skill as we all do)

He repeated: “Don’t do this. You lose.” He had an envelope opener in his hand and rode it across the skin of my palm in the crease as he said these last words. He could have stabbed my hand at the moment. It was something I didn’t want to hear.

He told me many good things, many. But this one thing was not good. This thing I can’t shake.

And ever since that day what he said has bothered me. And what he said has come true: I lose.

And I can’t shake the losing.

And it’s been 3 months….of losing.

So it’s time to put an end to this the one and only way I can: Everything in the account. Tonight.

I have to go head to head with the cosmos to find out if I should be doing this right now. The result of this bet will be my answer.

If I win, I’ll pop in with some picks although I will be very careful in my selections as always.

If I lose, I’ll go away. But I’ll be back. With a new roll and a new outlook as a new capper. Perhaps I’ll still lose, perhaps not. But I need to start fresh if I do. Otherwise, I’ll cap here as I always do with a small bandage on an otherwise hemorrhaging bankroll.

But this roll needs a cleansing of sorts and it is something I have to do.

If he is right, if “You….lose” is to come to fruition then I will not sit here and go 3-30. Someone said you only need to go 17-10 to get to .500. 17 and 10. ONLY 17 wins???? Cue Jim Mora: Playoffs??? Playoffs? Who the hell is getting 17 wins right now!

Now is the time. Now we must test the waters. One play. For everything I have left.

Do not worry. I pay my bills and a win or loss doesn’t hurt or help me much financially. I’ve always done this to bring down the house (and Steve Wynn) and because I love to do it. It brings me happiness. It might bring others happiness. That is worth far more than any amount of money.

This all reminds me of an old Twilight Zone episode starring William Schatner. This was a good looking guy. If you told me I could look like anyone, this guy would be on my list. This is not the somewhat portly Priceline.com Schatner.

In that episode, he sits down in a diner with his wife and sees a fortune telling machine. He asks it many questions. 1 penny per question. Many of the answers come true right there in the diner. He becomes obsessed with the machine as the answers predict his actual future.

He starts asking it where they will live (more appropriately, where they should live… as an order).

Frantically the words fly out of his mouth:

Will we live in the East!

Will we live in the West!

Will we live in this country!

Ultimately, his wife pulls him away from the machine and the moral is they make their own story. Their own life. But this is Rod Serling we are dealing with here. And as they leave, a couple ragged and wrinkled-faced sits down in the same booth and says “Can we ask some more questions now?”

That second couple is me. And I need an answer. So the whole account goes on the line tonight.

And I found the game I wanted. And it will be a poetic falling on the sword if I lose it.

Like I lost to Monmouth with 15 wins in a row, I now back LSU on a 15 game losing streak over Tennessee. Is this not apropos. Is this not poetic.

I love fading streaks as you know. And this streak is one of the biggest in terms of history that I have ever bet on.

Before Nam, before JFK was assassinated before Bob Hope and Don Rickles and before Elvis gyrated on the Ed Sullivan show. We are going back before the Great Depression. Even before World War 1. Today we talk of Elon Musk putting people on Mars and the moon. This streak, this streak I will fade is going back to the dawn of flight itself.

This 15 game losing streak that LSU is on is it’s worst in 109 years set last game against UGA.

109 years. When you get get the opportunity to fade a century + a decade worth of streak, you give it some careful thought.

If you do not leave it all out on the floor, in your final home game, on senior night, with all that stain looming over the seniors on that team and the players who will most certainly transfer, with a stain that will stay with them forever, I don’t know what will motivate you. And these psychological angles have paid me well in my life (not over the last three months unfortunately).