Let's hear your worst experience on an airplane...

I have over 2mm miles with Northwest/Delta, so I could fill a few of these pages. The one that comes to mind was when I was in the Philippines for the 2nd time.

I got sick from taking a big gulp of water there. I was in one of those middle of the night fog's and as soon as I did it, I knew it was going to be ugly. I held the glass up to the light and there were organisms swimming. Within an hour, it got ugly fast. Now, rule #1 for getting sick in a 3rd world country is the first place you go is to the airport and get home. I booked the next flight out and proceeded to divulge myself of every bodily fluid I had out of every orifice God gave me. Needless to say, 4 hours to Tokyo and 14 hours to Minneapolis was just nasty. I was running to the toilet every chance I could get.

When I arrived in the Twin Cities and in line to get thru customs, an officer tapped me on the shoulder and told me to grab my bag and come into this room. I complied and while I was sitting there, I got the radical cramps. I told the guy he needed to get me to a toilet straight away and he said "fuck you, sit there."  I was so exhausted and so sick, I said back to him "fuck you", then shit everywhere, walked over and grabbed my bag, walked out, went to the bathroom looking and smelling atrocious, cleaned myself up and left.

The funny thing is, I saw the guy on a few other occasions and just smiled and waved! Asshole.

I was flying a little regional carrier, POS, named Vanguard between Minneapolis and Chicago one night. We got hit by lightning and the fucking douchebag pilot overcompensated trying to correct the plane. We thrashed back and forth for what seemed like an eternity and during that entire time, I got my Catholicism back real quick.

That was the hairyest flight I've ever been on and the last time I flew that airline.

A very good buddy of mine was on a Southwest flight and they couldn't get the landing gear down. You have to know the guy to appreciate the story, but he said as soon as they took a pass over the runway and he watched them foaming it, a big ass turd ran down his leg.

Luckily the gear came down and they didn't have to land on the belly.

This hasn't to do with airplanes, but a buddy of mine and I were both married and chasing every piece of box in Chicago that we could get ourselves tangled up in. We rented an apartment there and the doormen used to just laugh everytime we were around.

I introduced him to this one girl I'd been messing with who, honest to Jesus, gave the best head in North America. It's an unbvelievable/incredible experience and she just loves to please.

One night, the two of them were heading out to dinner right at dusk and she goes down on him in a taxi. Now, in your minds eye visualize this...she down there going at it and as he tells it, his eyeballs are staring to roll back in his head when all of a sudden, the Pakistani driver started yelling "NO BLOWJOBS IN THE CAB!"

That's hysterical